What I'm about to say is not what you're supposed to say, because I'm making a distinction between people who have studied abroad and those who haven't. But I think that what a lot of people don't know about studying abroad is that it is a very up-and-down experience. In my own personal experience, every day is different, and there can be positives and setbacks throughout a given day. Some days, you can be having the time of your life, and the next day, you could be calling your mom crying. In that way, it's sort of a microcosm of the dreaded "real world," any college student's nightmare (only, in my case, there were also language barriers involved). To anyone on the outside, it's easy to fall into the trap of thinking that study abroad is the most amazing experience you'll ever have, and you don't even consider the possible setbacks involved. Which is not to say that I've had a horrible experience, but I just think it's important to understand that it isn't always easy. I didn't spend my entire year traveling endlessly, I DID have to go to school (although school in France was far more rigorous than in Spain!), and deal with difficult people and situations. So I understand that, when I tell all of you the frustrating things that have happened, it would be easy for you to think that I'm being whiney or ungrateful. But the thing about study abroad is, the negatives are the easiest for outsiders to understand, because the small linguistic and cultural victories that you experience daily are not extraordinary, so it's easy to overlook them and focus on the negatives. But I am a huge believer in studying abroad (however, I believe in a realistic view of studying abroad). I have gotten to see so many special places this year, meet so many new people, and generally expand my horizons and be more open to others.
My dad told me when I got home from France that I had matured so much over those three-and-a-half months. At first, I was thinking, 'Gee thanks, Dad, I didn't realize I was so immature beforehand,' but it's always harder to see growth when you're the person doing the growing. But I can definitely say now that I have come out of this experience more self-assured. Of course, I still have insecurities (who doesn't?), but I feel much more aware and certain of what I want out of life. That isn't to say I have an answer to everyone and their brother who will ask me in the coming year, "What do you want to do with your life?," because honestly, I don't know. Unlike European students, who are hyper-specialized in college so that they know exactly what they'll be doing with their lives when they enroll in college, I think American students have the benefit of a system that is more fluid. What you do right after college isn't necessarily what you'll be doing for the rest of your life; in fact, I read somewhere that the typical American changes careers five or six times in their lifetime, with complete career overhauls not at all uncommon. So who knows what I'll be doing at this time next year? Because really, in this economy, I would be happy just being employed!
A lot of people ask me if I preferred one country or another out of the two I studied in this semester. I think Molly put it really well. She saw me, the second we got to France (we hadn't even left the airport yet), when I had stars in my eyes and a grin spread across my face. The first time I spoke French, I felt as though I had never stopped, but, at the same time, I felt like a hole that had been there this past semester was suddenly being filled. It was a fantastic feeling. Molly told me that she could understand how I felt all this past semester, when I was missing France and speaking French, because that's how she felt when we left Spain and went to France. Whereas I had had a French antenna when we were in Spain that would go up whenever I heard that language, she was giddy every time she heard someone speaking Spanish in France. I didn't hate Spain, but I didn't love it by any stretch of the imagination. In fact, at some points I downright resented it. My poor parents must be thinking what a waste of their money it was to send me to a country that I ended up not even liking, but I think that my semester in Spain was important in that it reinforced in my own mind how much I love France, its language and its culture. So next semester, I am taking three French classes, not a single Spanish class, and am dropping Spanish down to a minor (I will have completed the minor if I pass my classes from this semester, which I'm pretty sure I did). I realized that there wasn't any use in continuing on as a Spanish major if I couldn't see myself living in Spain, the origin of castellano. But I had no way of coming to this conclusion without having lived there for some amount of time. It was interesting, though, because when I was on my final plane out of Europe, from London to Atlanta, my heart ached not for Spain but for France. But nonetheless, I loved traveling around Spain (I loved Barcelona and Andalucia), but I knew almost right away that the Spanish lifestyle is not for me, and that France is much more suited to my personality (and friends that have been to both countries have said that they can see why I feel that way).
My goal in life is to become an expat for at least some amount of time. I had been to Paris twice before, but the first time was with People to People and the second was with my high school, so we literally only did the ultra-touristy things. But this time, I got to experience so much more of Paris. Sure, we still did touristy things, but I liked being able to pretend I was French, standing in the metro wearing black, carrying my Longchamps bag and responding in French to anyone who started up a conversation. And I don't mean to sound uppity, like oh, I can pull off being French better than you can, but it was great to be able to have the language skills to pretend. Sure, boulangerie owners still looked at me funny when I asked them if a particular pastry had nuts in it (I'm beginning to suspect that the French are just not allergic to nuts), but I was almost always able to get my point across. I became a pro at navigating the metro, I relied on the maps in my handy little Moleskine rather than pulling out my huge touristy map, and I felt so AT HOME in that city. I want to go to a café on a Sunday afternoon and people-watch in the seats on the terrace, daintily sipping a cup of tea (because even after 9 months in Europe, I've given up all hope of ever liking coffee!). I want to ride the disgusting, old metro. I want to go to museums on the first Sunday of the month, when they're all free. Imagine, being able to see Monets for free!!!!! I want to go to the theater, the opera, the ballet. I want to be a stone's throw away from other European jems (imagine, two hours from London by Chunnel!!!!!!). I want to go to the boulangerie every morning and pick up a fresh baguette, and go to the market to get fresh fruits and vegetables. I want to meet up with friends to go shopping at the gorgeous Galeries Lafayette, and take a romantic walk along the Seine with the handsome French man that I'll marry someday (fat chance of the last one happening!). I understand that Paris is an incredibly expensive city to live in, and there's no way I would be able to afford to live there right out of college, but who knows, maybe I'll get an incredible job offer there someday.
Don't think that, just because I am enamored with the City of Lights, I am somehow denying my Americanness. I was so excited to get off that plane and hear English spoken, walk through the grocery store and have actual choices, have things be open on Sundays, have other tall people around me and thus not feel like an object to be gawked at. But I think it's possible to embrace two cultures. And while I know that I complained a lot when I was in Strasbourg, I chalk that complaining up to the ridiculous academic system that is based on zero class participation and zero original thought. But I fell in love with France itself, and found myself sticking up for the French more than ever.
I think the biggest thing that I've learned about myself this year is that I AM independent. Being independent is something that I've aspired to since I went away to college, because I felt like I never really burst out of my shell until then. But I have proven to myself that I can survive in a foreign country on my own, and that is a big accomplishment for me! I think one of the major problems I had with my Spanish host mom is that she was stifling that independence (however inadvertently), whereas my own parents had never done that; on the contrary, they always nudged me to try to get me to be a little bit more independent. Even a year ago, I would have called my mom on the phone crying. I don't do that anymore, both because I know my parents don't respond to that, and also because I've realized that I need to figure things out on my own. I can make decisions for myself, and I trust myself to make the right ones. I think this newfound realization of my independence will serve me well during my last year at Georgetown, in preparation for life in the real world. I didn't realize before I went abroad how much I needed to grow up (which is not to say I'm a full-grown adult now, but I have definitely noticed that I'm far more mature than when I left for Strasbourg at the beginning of September). Hopefully I can take this, and other things that I've learned about myself, with me for the rest of my life.
Thank you to all of you who have been reading my blog this year and have commented on the things you've read! It makes me happy that someone is reading it after the hard work and thought that I put into it! I'll probably write more about my experiences and reflections as the summer goes on and I gain more distance from the situation of the past year, so stay tuned!!!!!!!
Sending you my love,
Kristen
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