Sérieusement?

If you had asked me last week if, despite all of the difficulties that this semester has presented, being in France this semester has been worth it, I would have replied that, absolutely, it has been very much worth it.  Oh, how quickly the tides change.  This week, I'm not so sure.  It seems like I am becoming more and more miserable every day, and, while I obviously don't like feeling this depressed, and my point is not to make people feel sorry for me, it feels like, whenever I feel like I'm starting to rally, someone up there  chuckles and says, "Not so fast."  So I get knocked back down, harder, and it seems like I sink down lower and lower with each subsequent blow.  I don't want to know what rock bottom looks like, but I can't help but wonder if I'm getting close to it.  Luckily though, if you hit rock bottom, the only way you can go is up (not that I aspire to hit rock bottom or anything). 

As I mentioned, Monday was a really rough day.  In my last post, I came at it from the angle of being upset about missing basketball.  Yes, I was very upset to miss my beloved Hoyas' first game, but I think that that was just a precipitating factor in Monday's meltdown.  I think that there were a few more deep-seeded reasons fro the meltdown, the most significant of those being my ridiculous level of academic stress.   I have been incredibly stressed out about classes for about the past month or so, but this week, in particular, the proverbial shit has really hit the fan.  On Monday, I found out that I have 3 final exams scheduled for the same day, the 13th of December, which I think would be an impossible feat, even for a native French student.  There is no possible way that I can take 3 exams in one day, especially since, in all probability, 2 of those exams will each be 4 hours long.  After literally falling apart when I arrived home from class, throwing my stuff onto my bed and immediately breaking into tears, I felt the worst I have felt since I've been here.  

After dinner (which I don't know how I made it through), I logged in to Skype, and, seeing that Lauren was online I gave her a call.  I felt awful unloading everything onto her when I called her sobbing, especially since I know that this is a particularly busy week for her.  But she insisted that she wanted to talk, and even called me back later after she had to sign off and go to class.  I talked to my mom also (we had to discuss plane tickets for Spain), and we had an incredibly unpleasant conversation.  First of all, there had been a lot of miscommunication about  the tickets.  Second of all, she had had a terrible day too: Tim was home sick with the stomach flu, and my mom had had to work all day.  Obviously, I cried- I mean, come on, it's me, I couldn't help it- and she snapped.  It was awful.  

After I finished that awful conversation, I sent my program director, Susan, an email, telling her that I was having an academic crisis and asking if I could come in to see her.  So I stopped by her office yesterday (after having burned off some steam at the gym that morning- I've found that the more stressed out I've gotten, the longer my workouts have gotten; I think I'm trying to delay getting back to reality).  When I explained my hellish December 13th to her, her jaw dropped, and she insisted that she had never had this happen before.  Of course.  Why would anyone else have had this problem?  So she said that she would write letters to my professors (which she should have done at least a month-and-a-half ago) explaining my finals situation and asking if other arrangements could be made (i.e. substituting a paper for those exams).  That made me feel better.  She told me to stop by her office this morning before my first class to pick up the letters, assuring me that,  although she would be teaching a class, the secretary would be in the office.  'Perfect,' I thought,  thinking that I could talk to those professors today after class, with the letters from Susan (a.k.a. something official) to back me up.  

Now, I ask you, why on earth would it be that easy?!?  I went to Susan's office at the agreed-upon time, and no one was there.  And the door was locked, so I couldn't go into her office and grab the letters off of her desk, where I knew they were waiting for me.  I left to go to class after waiting for 20 minutes or so, feeling, quite frankly, really pissed off.  Anyway, I decided to talk to my first professor without the letter, since she seems really nice and has been very accommodating to me in the past as far as work is concerned.  Mistake.  She told me to go to the sécrétariat to see if I could get a make-up question, essentially washing her hands of it.  I went back to the IEP before my next class to try again to get the letters, but again, no one was there.  But before I went to the IEP, I went home and checked my email, and saw that Susan had sent me one, saying, "Did you stop by to try to pick up the letters?  Because they're still stiting on my desk," as if it was my fault.  I explained the situation to her, and her response was, "How frustrating." No shit.  I was furious.

This was when the real sobbing started up again.  How am I supposed to feel when I go to someone for help, and they can't follow through?   I was assured that someone would be there when I walked completely out of my way to get these letters, and they were not...twice.  So now I can't talk until my other professors until next week, which means more time for me to stress out.  I understand that Susan is very busy, and she has been amazing and an absolute God-send up until this point, but like I said, this should have been done weeks ago.  

So here's what I have left to do this semester, in the 33 days before I get home: I have to finish two 700-page books (in French); I have about 50 pages left of Aurélien, the surrealist monster that I have whined about on many occasions, and about 350 pages left of Sans famille, my book for my childhood literature class.  Next, I have to do a literary analysis of a difficult chapter of Aurélien, which I am working on right now, and a 10-page paper on Sans famille (that paper is a final for that class, thank God).  So when my friends from back in the States complain about how much work they have, I have very little sympathy.  I know, it sounds horrible and unlike me, and I don't like feeling that way, but I can't help it.  And God knows, I've complained about how much work I've had before at Georgetown, but this is taking a lot out of me.  And again, I'm not trying to get sympathy from people, but I WILL say that there is a big difference between the French education system and the education system in the States.  In the U.S., when you get behind on your work, it's usually your fault, because you get a syllabus the first day of class, telling you exactly what you need to read, what major assignments you have due, and when the final is, so if you get behind in reading, it's your fault (even though, sometimes, there is just too little time to get everything done).  In France, on the other hand, if you don't know what the hell you're doing, it's not your fault, it's the professors not being clear about what they expect from you, when assignments are due, and when the exam is (and, in some cases, just being downright mean).  I was actually just talking to one of my neighbors, Marie-Hélène (she just started talking to me in English, so I went with it), who speaks very good English (a rarity in Strasbourg), and when I told her about the work situation, she just rolled her eyes and said that Marc Bloch is known for having terrible organization.  To hear that from a native made me feel so much better!

The one positive thing that I took out of my meeting with Susan was the reassurance that, around this point in the semester, around Thanksgiving, everyone starts getting homesick.  And I know that other American friends of mine in Strasbourg, both from Georgetown and from Holy Cross, just want this semester to be over.  I'm so happy I'm not spending the entire year here, or else I would be needing to find a therapist (not that I would even have time for appointments).  I miss Dr. Hennessy :(

So why do I keep posting these negative rants?  Because I don't want to sugarcoat anything; I would be lying if I told you that everything was perfect.  Study abroad is not consistently an amazing experience.  It's not.   So yes, when all is said and done, I know I will be so happy to have had this experience, but life is just not so fun right now.  From what I hear, though, Salamanca will in no way rival Strasbourg academically, so I hope the stress level goes way down.  Plus, having Molly and Mary Katherine there will make a world of difference.  But I just know that I miss all of you so much!  The thought of seeing all of you soon is what is getting me through this hellish experience.  Life just isn't the same without you!

As always, I'm sending you my love,

Kristen